The clock read 3:41 am as I sat behind my desk, taking the pink, blue, purple, and black colored words and composing them into sentences and paragraphs. It was at this time that I noticed the display on my phone light up, followed by the notification ding, ding tone, giving me notice of the text message that was waiting for me to open.

I glanced at the sender’s name, and curiosity struck this ever-so-curious female, as I hadn’t heard from him in close to three years, so I opened the text.

See, Caiden was a thing of my past, and by past, picture an impressionable teenager living in Europe and sitting ringside at our school’s basketball game.  Caiden was on the visitors’ team and was from Copenhagen. His eyes lured me in, and from the first moment his fingers brushed my hair aside, and his fingertips journeyed down my neck, I was lost.

Caiden (Caid): I saw you were online, and I felt this was the perfect lean in to say I am sorry.

Me: Isn’t it funny how I always said you would realize.

See what he saw was me out and having a great time without him.

(Funny how the universe works. He was working for Microsoft, and I was in my situationship with Austin in Austin when we did a double-take and were like “holy shit,” as it had been almost 28 years.)

And…out of respect for Austin, I left it friendly.

A few weeks later, I had a DM from him that he was coming into San Antonio for a guys’ weekend and really hoped I could squeeze him into my schedule. Or like he said, “guys’ weekend can be any weekend, but you…”

I should have known…but funny how the memory works, and well, I agreed to meet him. We kept it casual, had dinner, and walked what seemed like a marathon through downtown. Of course, he asked about the guy he had seen me with, and I told him all about it. He said that if I were his, there would be no confusion; I would be his, and he would be mine.

The situationship with Austin was already starting to fizzle. After almost 12 years, I found my self-worth and said goodbye. 

A few months later, I drove up to Austin and had dinner with Caid.

That’s where our story starts, eating dinner at his place, looking out at the empty streets of downtown Austin because the world had shut down. 

He made me his in all the ways that mattered. Weekends were spent in Zilker Park flying kites, grabbing coffee, and walking around The Domain. Nights spent in his arms where I felt safe. Mornings were always him bringing me coffee in bed. We spoiled each other, and we kept each other watered (as he coined it) so that neither one of us ever felt we had to see if the grass was greener on the other side.

He made me his Sunday to Sunday with the morning calls and texts and the sultry facetimes during the week.

Then, he became detached and began to make excuses for the I can’t this weekend, or I got home late from the gym, etc.

I knew, so I told him it was time to talk.

The guilt in his face left me heartbroken, ME…HEARTBROKEN for him because I saw the disgust he had with himself.

I hugged him and said goodbye. As I walked away, a gentleman at the next table quietly said, “he is going to realize, we all at some point do.”

I knew my worth. I did not want to go down another rabbit hole like I did with Austin. I wanted so badly to delete and block him, but we had so much history, and at some point, we were really great friends.

Fast forward to the night of the 19th of March 2024, the night the text message came through. 

Me: I can’t heal you Caid, you have to figure yourself out.

Caid: That is what I have been doing, and I know it starts with I am sorry. I promise, this may sound toxic, but it isn’t. I didn’t like seeing your IG story and realizing it wasn’t me who was making you laugh. I want you back, you are who completes me.

Me: I thought I was too, but that wasn’t our story. I’ve moved on, moving on with myself and hoping for the one who is going to prioritize me above all others.

Caid: You were the whole package, and I let it get taken.

Then the FaceTime came through.

We cried.

And here I was again, HEARTBROKEN for this man’s heart, hoping it could find healing, and as I said goodbye, I forgave him.

It’s been a few months now. I deleted him and blocked him from my phone, email, and all social media platforms. 

I hope he has found peace.

I found my own peace.

I found my worth, or as he said, I was the whole package.

He let it get taken away, but I have hope that one day I will be delivered to the right address and that person will say, “It took you a long time to get here, now make yourself at home!” 

 

©Valerie