As I meticulously sip on my glass of red wine while taking the sofa as my imaginary lover, I ponder the question whether or not {I} have learn{ed} from my mistake{s}.

I have struggled with this question for many years. If you had asked me exactly this during my teen years, my answer would have been no. If I had, I would not have made the mistake of taking a lover at such a young age.

I would have taken caution in that sex was absolutely delicious and would not have habitually lusted after it.

I would not have gone from one lover al proximo let alone take one while I was in “love” with the one I was with.

I had a tendency to play with fire back then.

Who the hell am I kidding? I have played with fire my entire existence.

As time went on, my relationship and marriage to the lover I had, became severely fractured and eventually broke. I not only damaged the one person who really ever loved me, but I damaged myself in the process. My hunger for sex became monumental. I became a serial dater and would immediately fall between the sheets with my dates. I took lover after lover. I did not want a relationship; I wanted the unknown con alguien…anyone.

I wanted to experience sexual firsts over and over again. I did not care who I hurt along the journey because I had zero feeling.

I was numb. I was broken.

I literally rode this journey for many years until I met my match. We took each other as husband and wife, and for once, my hunger for sex had somewhat been fulfilled. I cannot say if it was his sexual nature that somewhat satisfied me or the knowing I could make a call and have it satisfied by any of the numbers on my speed dial.

I lived this lie for close to four years. I slept in the same bed with this stranger because there wasn’t anything more to our relationship than the quest to get each other off. Here I was again playing with fire.

Had I not learn from the first go around?

Ultimately, he played me just as I had played him, if not better. Luckily, we realized the dissolution of our “marriage” and went our separate ways amicably.

I went back to my fiery ways. The hunger for sex was within me again. I searched for “victims” and took them back to my place or theirs and had my way with them.

Some of them yearned for more, and others who knew exactly what the night was about and respected my wishes of never contacting me again.

I had a fan club, per se. I was wanted.

I was craved!

The power behind that was gratifying.

I enjoyed each and every one of my past lovers. I learned something from each one of them. I took with me the lessons learned and pleased the next one.

I am a seasoned sexual being, and the mistakes I repeatedly made back then molded me into the woman I am today.

I will not apologize for that, I will, however, apologize for the broken hearts I caused along the way…including mine.

©Valerie